April 6, 2017

“Jusy write about it, use that as an outlet”

Many of us have dealt with some form of heartbreak before while some of us are fortunate enough to be ignorant of that pain. This is about my experience, which was first of its kind. My tragedy occurred quite recently at the time of writing. A measly three weeks.

Let me start by explicitly stating: LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS (LDR) ARE HARD! The significance of communication, arguments, time management, trust and faith… The intensity of all components that drive a healthy “regular” relationship (one in which you can meet with your significant other on a regular basis) are exponentially increased. It’s SO much more difficult to manage a LDR but it is totally possible. Of course it’s dependent on those who are involved. The biggest problem you can run into within a LDR is a partner that’s very reserved with their emotions and that doesn’t communicate well. You may communicate with them often, even at all times, but it’s without value if you can never understand how your partner feels. This was the problem in my case, the major one at least. Unfortunately I had many problems within my relationship. My ex, whose name I won’t reveal for privacy reasons, was never very open with me. She quote “Didn’t feel comfortable sharing her feelings” which is actually understandable at least but it’s concerning when you’re in a LDR with someone. Trust is thrown into question, but it was something I looked past. Our relationship overall was enchanting to me. She was my everything! I met her on an online game about a year ago. It should be noted that I’m an introvert. I struggle with making friends and even more with keeping them. I had only been in a handful of relationships before, only one of them physical, the others online. I could be considered inexperienced with relationships, if that’s even a thing. I believe it’s just about the connection two people have and when I met her we definitely connected. We almost instantly grew a liking to each other and were quickly growing closer and closer. Before I knew it we were in a relationship. She made Me so happy during a time I felt so alone. During my high school years it was like I began drifting away everyone I had known. My old friends were disappearing and I wasn’t making any knew ones. Yes, there were people I were acquainted with but no personal connections were made. I was falling deeper and deeper into isolation and had reached a point where I literally had no one to talk to. My enjoyment when alone was found in Netflix and video games. So when I met my ex it was indescribably refreshing. I had someone to deeply converse with, she made me smile and laugh, and she became my best friend.

Though there was something preventing us from truly being together…If any of you are experienced with online dating or you enjoy one of MTV’s hit shows then you may have heard of the term “catfish”. In the sense I’m using it, the term doesn’t mean ‘a marine fish with whisker like barbels around the mouth’ but a catfish in this sense is a person who lures someone else into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona, commonly hiding behind a face of someone else. I’m ashamed to admit that I was a catfish. She believed that I looked like a more appealing, chiseled teen that I found on Google images. I am strongly against the act of catfishing and I regret that I had ever done it. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have done it, even if it meant never meeting her. Despite that, my misdeed was not completely without reason. I have serious problems with myself as a person. Low self-esteem, minimal confidence, pessimism, and most significantly my low regard for my appearance. In an age where someone’s appearance is the greatest factor of their value, I felt like my appearance put my value on the short end. This face can’t attract much sadly. But hiding behind someone else’s face oddly boosted my confidence ten fold. People always claimed that I was an intellectual. This mixed with my handsome mask made me a ladies’ man of sorts. I had totally disregarded the fact that I would inevitably have to reveal my true self to her if wanted a serious relationship. One night some time after we officially entered a relationship she spontaneously said something like “Can you send me a pic of you? You never send me pictures of you and I want to have more photos of you” followed by a smiley. From an outside perspective this was actually quite a cute gesture. Nothing more romantic than wanting become more familiar with each other physically. But to me….this was a Defcon 1 emergency. I was experienced enough to know what was going to happen. I tell her that I had been lying to her, that the person she thought she was talking to was not actually me, then she gets upset and insists to see my true appearance, I reluctantly reveal myself, then she vanishes. I was determined to stay with her so I suspiciously ignored her message and began frantically searching online for a picture similar to the guy I was posing as. After what seemed like hours of searching I had finally given up and accepted that our relationship was over. I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame as I began to write my apology. I had told her how I was dishonest about my appearance, I then sent a picture of my true self. Afterwards I kind of just abandoned my phone, I was unable to stomach the fact that I was going to lose her. I started to grow impatient waiting for the conclusion of the ordeal so I checked to see if she has read my messages and she hadn’t. I assumed she might have fallen asleep. The tension only grew as rushed myself asleep so I could wake up before she could read my pathetic confession. The next day I woke up at around 9. I noticed I already had a message and I just knew it was from her. I utterly hate confrontations and as so was reluctant to read the message but eventually I did. I was met with a very ominous “why?”. I couldn’t decipher whether this was a “Why am I going to leave you” or a “Why should I consider staying”, but if there was any chance that I could keep her in my life I was willing to take it. I attempted to explain my treachery in a way that she could at least pity me. I exclaimed that I wasn’t happy with my appearance and I was sure we wouldn’t have ever been together had I not done it. I begged and pleaded for forgiveness, unable to accept that I might lose her. Fortunately for me She had such a kind soul that she was able to forgive me, as long as I promised I would never do it to another girl again. I swore to her that I had renounced those treacherous ways, but I took it that maybe she no longer wanted to be in a relationship. She ended up texting me the very foreboding “You know what?”. I prodded her to tell me what she wanted, replying “what is it?”. She told me “I still love you and want to be with you” followed by a smiling face…I was in awe but more so in disbelief. I asked her if she sincerely meant what she was saying and she confidently told me “yep, I really do”. It was at this moment she became the love of my life. I was convinced that I would begin a wonderful relationship with her, that one day I would be able to visit her, and above all that this was the person I would be spending the rest of my life with. I was…elated! I had never had such strong feelings of attraction towards someone like I now did, never have i felt so sure that someone sincerely cared and adored me the way she did. Over time she became my everything, I began to worship her, I started to build my future around her, we even started calling each other ‘husband and wife’. She was perfect in my eyes and there was nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her or make me leave her. The testament to this was the time intruders attempted to sever our bond.

It started with a post I made on Instagram. Before I start this story let me just say that– I was 16000 characters over the message limit lol sorry

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